Be Your Own Friend
Full disclosure…
Truth be told, this article should be titled ‘Self-Compassion’ or similar - because that is in fact the entirety of what I’m about to speak to. Honestly though, would you have opened this if that was the title? Unless you have a background in psychology or are already practicing the concept, I’m willing to bet that no, you would not have. Maybe it sounds too ‘touchy-feely’ or ‘soft as shit’ for my general clientele, but I am once again asking you to have an open mind. Listen to what I have to say (or … read it), consider the offering and try the practice before you decide if it’s for you or not (spoiler alert - it is, it’s for everyone). I became pretty obsessed with self-compassion throughout 2020 (you know, when the entire world entered a depressive state at the same time because a deadly virus decided to fuck us all over). Mental health suddenly ‘became’ important overnight as influential people became affected, and the need for practices related to self-compassion were more sought after than ever. I first presented this as a topic during a LIVE staff forum for frontline health care workers in South East Queensland, who were dangerously close to burnout. As clinicians, they took a little persuading but ultimately I won them over and I will win you over, also! You need to learn to become your own best friend. Here’s why…
Self-Compassion is not self-indulgent or selfish
To fully understand what self-compassion is, let’s first consider what it means to be compassionate. Think about how and when you use compassion; showing love, empathy, care and warmth to those experiencing difficult times. Treating people with kindness, care and providing the support they need during times of heartache, financial struggles, pain or any other inevitable traumatic human experience. We are not talking about spoiling these people - but providing care and support so that they are able to come out of the other end of this situation feeling stronger and healthier. Showing compassion is offering understanding and kindness when someone makes a mistake or experiences a failure - not judging them harshly or being critical. Self-compassion is directing this warmth and kindness back towards yourself in times of need. Self-compassion is not self-indulgent, nor is it selfish. It is looking after yourself.
I understand that some people feel uneasy or struggle to provide themselves with the same compassion they show others (particularly mums - hello, mothers’ guilt) but I endeavour to show you just how important it is, for you and those around you that you develop this skill to ensure the best version of you is able to make an appearance more often than not. You need to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you can help others - if you are not taken care of, you are useless to others.
Identifying Suffering
Think about it, you can only show compassion if you are able to identify the need for it; suffering. Noticing your fellow human beings, and seeing their suffering will trigger feelings of compassion (the word literally means “suffer with”). Of course, we are all different and will be affected differently (life is exhausting for us empaths who see and feel the pain of just about everyone we meet) but generally if you see a friend in strife - your heart will soften to want to care for them.
You cannot show compassion if you do not see the need for it. If you do not check in with your friends, or do not demonstrate mindfulness in your conversations with them, you will not see the need for it and they will continue to suffer - people are rarely forthcoming with their pain (thankfully, this is starting to change - It Ain’t Weak To Speak (check out LIVIN.org) - so we need be more mindful and pick up on their non-verbals as well as their words. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult their experience is.
We Don’t Always have to “Suck it up, Princess”
I’m sure you are picking up on where I’m going with this… but I’ll say it anyway, we need to apply this same care to ourselves in times of suffering. When you are having a difficult time, experience pain, failure or notice something you don’t like about yourself, instead of ignoring the pain or shame with a stiff upper lip mentality, stop and acknowledge it as something that is actually quite difficult for you right now, and think about how you can care for yourself in that moment. Sure, there are times where we need to display mental toughness, and tell ourselves not to be precious, and to just “suck it up” - like if you promised your friend that you would drive them to the airport and you had a ‘mare of a day and now don’t feel like doing it. Yeah nah, you gotta take your mate to the airport - don’t be a dick and mess them about because you don’t really feel like it anymore. But for sure, there are times where this is not the appropriate method of coping (or not coping) and you need to stop and show yourself some kindness.
To be Human is to be Imperfect
Instead of ruthlessly criticising or judging yourself for your imperfections, failures or shortcomings - show some self-compassion - no one expects you to be perfect. I used to be so bad for looking at my naked body in the mirror and cringing, sighing, crying at the sight of ‘imperfect’ body. To quote Eminem “I act like shit don’t faze me, inside it drives me crazy, my insecurities could eat me alive” - but that was then, and I’ve since learned to show myself the same kindness I offer my friends. I honour and accept my humanness, that being imperfect is OK - it is part of being human, I still strive to change my body, but to be healthy and happy, and not because I am worthless or unacceptable as I am. I’m loving a good quote today, but in the words of my favourite academic, Brene Brown “imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together”. Things will not always go your way. There will be times where you fall short, occur losses or have frustrations. This is part of the human experience, and a reality shared by us all. The more you open yourself to this reality instead of fighting it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and your fellow humans.
The 3 Elements of Self-Compassion
According to Kristen Neff, the absolute guru of self-compassion, there are three main elements:
Self-Kindness
Self-compassionate people accept that negative experiences are inevitable (it is what it is) and so tend to be gentle with themselves in times of difficulty rather than getting angry when expectations aren’t met. Once you embrace the mindset that ‘shit happens’ you can accept the reality with sympathy and kindness - resulting in greater emotional composure.
Common Humanity
Frustration at things going wrong can result in irrational feelings of isolation - that you are the only person experiencing this pain, or the only person to make these mistakes or have these failings. Self-compassionate people recognise that feelings of inadequacy is part of the shared human experience - something that we all go through.
Mindfulness
For those of you who have read my previous blog posts, you should know by now that mindfulness is a staple of my practice. I incorporate mindfulness into all of my sessions - mindset coaching and remedial therapy alike. A non-judgemental mind sate where we observe our thoughts and feelings with no emotional attachment, and without denying or supressing them - just noticing them. As we touched on before, we cannot ignore our pain, and feel compassion for it at the same time. On the flip side, we musn’t get caught up with over-identification of negative thoughts and feelings and get swept away by them.
Benefits of being self-compassionate
If you haven’t already picked up on it, self-compassion makes you a more balanced person. You don’t wallow in self-pity, in frustration or anger. You don’t get carried away with raw emotion that is neither productive, nor is it a pleasant experience (for yourself and those around you). When you take a more balanced perspective to your situation, you can approach it with a mindful, effective and productive strategy.
We can further infer from this (and the research in the area) that by developing self-compassion and its practices, it can reduce mental health disorders like depression and anxiety - which in turn leads to greater life satisfaction.
Research into self-compassion has been extended into the realms of sports psychology - with studies accumulating support for self-compassion as a way for athletes to manage difficult emotional experiences. One study found that women athletes with higher levels of self-compassion have greater levels of personal growth, body appreciation, purpose in life and a sense of responsibility. Furthermore, they experience fewer experiences of body anxiety, fear of failure or negativity - and that is certainly what you want as an elite athlete. If you cast your mind back to our session on goal visualisation, you’ll recall that by manifesting the end goal, visualising it and having the confidence to go out and get the job done, you are far more likely to smash your goals. Any practice that diminishes that little jerk inside your head that doubts your ability is definitely a winner!
How To Improve Self-Compassion
In a nutshell, be your own best friend. Treat yourself as you would a good friend (hint: click play on the guided self-kindness practice at the bottom of this blog post). Control and reframe your negative self-talk just like we talked about in the previous blog post, Overcoming Imposter Syndrome - you need to call out Depresso Dave for being a dick.
Have an Attitude of Gratitude! Have a gander at the blog post of the same name to refresh your memory on ways that you can consciously practice gratitude to reap the gnarly benefits of a beautiful life, and a healthier body!
Practice Mindfulness! Flick back to Mindfulness for Beginners to do a mindful body scan (although I certainly have more mindfulness practices coming up - I can’t get enough of them). Strive to always live in the moment, be present, be alert, be aware of what is happening right now without judging! Just acknowledging, without any label or emotional attachment.
Do the Self-Kindness Exercise Below! Super easy self-kindness practice below that you can do on your own or in a group.
Be kind to each other - Kirst
Kirsty McCall
Sports Therapist & Mindset Coach
Email: kirsty@scoutco.com.au Insta: @kirst_scoutco